I am wearing your pajama pants and your light blue Eisley
shirt. We are in your new apartment. I crawl slowly onto the bed and
stretch out, sore from the dancing. I can feel you staring at my legs,
and you say "I forgot how long they were" when you see me watching your
gaze. You grin and your crows feet appear, causing my heart to catch in
my throat--I loved those most of all. You pat the bed and I slide into
the space between your chest and your arm. I press my cheeks into your
bony, protruding sternum, and soon feel it become soaked with my tears. I
try to wipe them away, but my fingers get lost in memories as soon as I
touch your chest hair and now I am rubbing your chest singing "soft
kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fuuuuur" and you softly laugh before
pulling me closer whispering "hey...hey. Samantha, I am right here" and
you are wiping away my tears. I unfold on you and feel our legs tangle
as your arm is firm against my back, pushing me against you where I need
to be. I fall to sleep, my body growing limp as my face slowly slides
off your chest and my nose is buried on your armpit. Sleep. Sleep. Warm.
Sleep.
I wake up and you are gone? Please, no. NO. I cover
my mouth with my hand as my heart falls into that stillness that has
surrounded me these past months. I still have that sense of peace God
gave me that morning when he told me to keep preparing myself for you,
but it is still surrounded by the empty screaming death that knows I
will never end up with you. And how it screams. I swing my legs off of
your bed, surrounded by the smell of detergent and I know that I will
have to run a very long time if I am ever going to stop crying today. My
feet hit your floor (but whose ship came washed up on whose shore? and
from what ocean floor?) and my body collapses suddenly. At least I was
not in the shower this time. At least I can force myself to stand back
up (oh God, why must I lay in this grave of a body for so long?). I look
back and your bed is dissolving from my tears. I am cold again. No. NO.
In the living room we run into each other. I smell
that you were cooking a Ben Cole breakfast. You didn't leave? I can see
you staring in sadness into the still screams that you see in my eyes as
I feel that flicker of hope and longing that I have come to hate (it
comes all the time, when I think about you, and I have to quench it
because it is false, crazy, all a dream). You open your mouth, hesitant
as I start swaying again, feeling another collapse coming on.
"Samantha..." you say and I swallow a heavy heart knowing that no one
else will ever say my name like that. You kneel down before me and take
my hands. You look up at me. I gaze blankly down. That flicker of hope
is going crazy and my soul is weeping as it tries to put it out (it
never will die down). "Samantha..." you say, grabbing my left hand and
stretching it out. My body catches fire instantly and my vision blurs
and everything everything EVERYTHING is feeling all at once and the
deadness and screaming has given way to something new and alive and the
stones in my eyes are alive with praise and oh GOD I am on fire fire
fire because as you say "...please come home" I see that you put a ring
on me while I slept (you never sold it? YOU NEVER SOLD IT) and it is
black and gold and glistening and perfect and I collapse (but not from
my body locking up in sad, empty deaths--this is me falling open and
everything good is spilling out and into me again and we are breathing
each other OH MY GOD I CAN BREATHE and the air rushes into my lungs and
you were right: I forgot how to breathe). I am in your arms bawling,
bawling, bawling and your warm, strong arms that are enclosing me are
the only things keeping me honest.
Flashbacks. All at once. Tracks and films overlayed.
Every time that you told me that you were going to be the one I woke up
to when I was sixty, every time that you told me you would always be
there for me, every time that you grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled
to me "I CHOSE YOU, SAMANTHA. I CHOOSE YOU EVERY DAY." I believe you. I
believed you. I always believed you. I never believed a day of you
choosing someone else. I always KNEW you would come back to me to finish
living out those promises. I still chose you every day. I did. I did. I
did. I do not know how else to say "I love you." Your skin has had my
name whispered into every inch of it and you have tattooed yourself
across every part of my soul. Every flashback that has haunted me is
stacked upon itself and I see it blossom into fruition. Yes. This is how
it is supposed to be. We choose each other.
"I-" I stammer. "I am not going to give up my
friends or family. I don't believe that. But I have messed up, lover, I
have. Be with me. I promise I will be with you. Always. All ways. Marry
me. I am ready to be home." and we are crying into each other and
laughing and made perfect in each others love and
Awaken.
[[My face is
covered in tears and I bite my pillow trying not to scream out in pain
and my body shivers and quakes and every organ of mine is wrenched in
this familiar loneliness. Why. No. Why do I have dreams like that. Why.
No. It is too real. It is everything that I want. Everything.
Everything. I raise my head (that is now ready for marriage and I HATE
IT WHY DID THAT COME SO LATE) and my vision is streaked with tears and I
look at the clock and I still have hours until my alarm goes off and I
am just choking and weeping and. and. I will never be home. Lover, where
did you go?]]
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