06/17/14

Chase is dead, but leaning against the side of the stall. Had he stiffened there? Rigor mortis? Was he dead? Was I too late? The prospect of him being alive and needing intervention that only I was there to give but was completely unable to give was more terrifying than the prospect of me having to tell Rhonda that he was dead. I walk up to him and put my hand in front of his nostrils to make sure he is not breathing. He jolts upright suddenly and changes from a white Arabian into a leopard Appaloosa and begins wildly careening around the stall, and I am swept up onto his back with my hands knotting into his mane and I am stuck and unable to leave as I am feeling my bones breaking as he slams into walls and throws himself into the air screaming in pain. I am yelling at him to stop, stop hurting himself like this, and screaming for Rhonda or Bettina or Tim or someone to come and help but they are all suddenly in front of the stall watching sadly and telling me that there is nothing they can do--I just need to stay with him. They leave and I am stuck on Chase's back as he howls in a way I never want to hear from a horse again and bolts around the stall and I am sobbing on him begging him to stop but irrevocably tangled into him and unable to do anything but scream and scream and scream with him until he dies.

Awaken.

05/26/14

Karl drives me to my house, but it is an expansive log cabin. He looks at me expectantly, and I realize that we are here to buy him weed. I walk into the kitchen and am blinded by the walls of windows and then Shawn Smith walks out of my mother's room. I whimper softly to myself but boldly go up to him and start taking off my clothes--he will only sell me weed if I sleep with him first. He is a giant man of proportions that I do not understand and his beard is large and he is on top of me and I try to move him further away so I can move and make it enjoyable for myself but he is unmoving and pouring sweat over me and when he is finished I am disturbed and pissed off at Karl. He tells me $70 for 20grams and I nod and take the plastic bag that he hands me. I don't know anything about weed or how much 20 grams is or what it would normally go for, and I am pretty sure the bag just contains five little pieces of broccoli, but I don't want to appear really stupid in from of Shawn now and if Karl had really wanted this to go well then he should have gone himself or given me better instructions. I go back outside and get into Karl's car. I glare at him a bit and we drive off. He will want to sleep with me to make up for this, but I will just stare into the distance in that familiar silence of mine.

Awaken.